Oh dear, I'm glad I read your other fic before this one. If I'd seen this one first I would not have gone on to the other.
To me the choppyness didn't work. I found the lowercase, dashes, and centered dots (I don't even know what they're called) very distracting. I think the choppyness would have worked very well if you'd just kept within standard grammar forms and just had regular choppy paragraphs.
Aside from format though, it IS a good fic. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, but there is certainly some poetic genius in the rough here. And you do show some talent at setting up scene and mood.
The fic feels rushed, understandably considering your reply to the previous commentor, and the choppyness bothersome. But the concept and idea are good. Maybe you can rewrite it later on and polish it up some more?
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winterfish
no subject
Date: 2008-04-19 02:19 am (UTC)To me the choppyness didn't work. I found the lowercase, dashes, and centered dots (I don't even know what they're called) very distracting. I think the choppyness would have worked very well if you'd just kept within standard grammar forms and just had regular choppy paragraphs.
Aside from format though, it IS a good fic. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, but there is certainly some poetic genius in the rough here. And you do show some talent at setting up scene and mood.
The fic feels rushed, understandably considering your reply to the previous commentor, and the choppyness bothersome. But the concept and idea are good. Maybe you can rewrite it later on and polish it up some more?